my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
