All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
