I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run