I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.