DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
