Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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