made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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