Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
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