elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
I need moral support for this bender
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
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