I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
