Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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