just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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