Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
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