Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
