"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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