I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
