I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
