I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
