Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
