We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
