There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
