I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
lets start a swedish sibling band together
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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