checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Randomize
