I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
