You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
