i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Randomize
