her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
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