his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
