if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
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For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
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I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
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