Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Randomize
