I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
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