why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
And then my night got REAL pukey
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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