Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
