Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
