When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
