I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
