I cut my penus on the lid.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Randomize
