be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
this is an emotional support booty call
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
