You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something