Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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