Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
