Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
