the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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