we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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