I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Randomize
