I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Randomize