i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
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