I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
so how do you plan on seducing my econ TA?
by telling him that he has a large supply and that i demand it...in my mouth. it shows him that i'm slutty and that i pay attention in econ
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Are these your boobs on my camera?
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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