I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
