I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
