Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
