Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
