in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
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Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
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Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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