70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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