my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
