I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Randomize
