At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Barsexuality is the new black.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
