oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
